Dear Oracle:

How did Bush get to be King of the World?  I just read on some web site that he's a "purposefully ignorant, bitter little idiot."  How can U.S. voters trust the world to such a "reckless adolescent" while my parents ground me just for going to the mall with Amber?  I ask because I figure if he can be the president, someday I can too.  (And when I do, my parents are gonna be really, really sorry, and find out it's not so much fun when THEY'RE the ones locked in their room with nothing to do but beg every nerd they meet on the internet for a ride to Canada so they can be free!)

- Tiffany Marx, 16 years old, Sparks, Nevada

Dear Tiffany:

(I'm going to ask you to promise me: if you do get a ride to Canada, do not even think about buying any cheap prescription drugs when you get there – they've all been watered down to keep the highly strung Canadians from going off like Jack in The Shining.  And that reminds me: whatever you do, don't stay at one of those "quaint" log cabin motels on the way.  I stayed in one once, and it was "redrum" and cold sweat nightmares with strangling vines from the second the sun went down.  Maybe it was spores from the mold that grows in every shady nook and cranny up there, but whatever it was, it took a few weeks before I could close my eyes again.)

I'm sorry Tiffany, but precocious as you obviously are, your chances of becoming president are slim.  Few know it, but George W. Bush was destined to become president.  He is the 15th reincarnation of the Grand Annihilator of Jerusalem (previous G.A.J.s include Vlad the Impaler and Jeru the Damager).  Like the Dalai Lama, Bush was removed from the world for training after he was identified by religious talent scouts.  He wasn't doing drugs and "chasing skirts" to avoid Vietnam way back then, as the liberal media would have you believe.  The so-called "holes in his resume" were filled with religious instruction, from the wisdom of the ancients encoded in the Morals and Dogma of the Masons to the simple folk wisdom of self-help best sellers like Born Again, or Just Recycled?  According to his official biography (secret, like other Bush administration documents, till "a new age has dawned"):

Thus He was literally touched by angels, and is uniquely qualified by Divine and Natural Law to guide America to its ultimate destiny as the Promised Land.  When the final battle is launched there will be just two sides to choose from: (1) the righteous, who realize that this world is a filthy, imperfect mirage that deserves to be cauterized like a boil, or (2) the heathens who deny the obvious Truth of Scripture and are more attached to their sunlight, skin and iPods than to God.  And if God's gift of science has taught us anything, it's that two things can't occupy the same place at the same time.  Therefore, for the Kingdom of Heaven to emerge, the United States of America must be erased.  The President is firmly in charge and on track to deliver us unto the Lord!  Say Hallelujah!

Sorry, I don't mean to scare you Tiffany, but it sounds like you're going to have to choose sides, or make sure you're over the border into frigid Canada, where the hot breath of Satan feels like a summer breeze.

- A. O.